本文來自雅思作文網(wǎng)liuxue86.com《名師點撥雅思習作修改、評分建議及改進策略》。
題目：It seems that with the increase in use of mobile phones and computers, fewer people prefer to write letters. Will letters disappear completely?
審題：本文可以看作是agree or disagree 類文章，要求考生能在開頭段表明自己的立場。探討的兩個主題是：信件 VS手機電腦。
這篇習作的學生的寫作框架是3773，觀點是信不會被取代，中間寫兩段，第一段探討手機電腦的兩個好處，第二段探討信的四個好處，最后總結(jié)信的優(yōu)點多，繼續(xù)推行。
為了清楚起見，學生文章都加粗了。
開頭段：
Mobile phones and E-mails are increasingly playing 1pivital roles in our daily life in this day and age. Yet at the same time, whether 2letter will disappear has sparked heated debate. As far as I am concerned, 3it is impossible for letters to be replaced.
點評：首段格式清楚，略微有模板的印記，但是有拼寫錯誤，語法錯誤。會讓考官覺得是6分或以下的水平。
修改：
1 pivotal 其他重要：essential, indispensable, vital
2 Yet at the same time, whether letters will be replaced by phones and emails has sparked heated debate
3 原文impossible太過絕對。Hardly will letters fade out.
中間第一段：
On the one hand, it is arguable that those high-technology products can bring about numerous benefits.
點評：總體句寫的不錯。 Numerous稍顯夸張。
To begin with, Undeniably, a phone call, an E-mail can make people closer and make the world smaller.
點評：
1 兩個名詞短語之間要有連接詞，比如and。
2 整個句子表達很中式，不地道。
修改：Phones and computers could wipe out /erase geographical barriers.
More specifically, they are faster than regular mails.
點評：論證和論點沒有關(guān)系啊，這個論據(jù)是說明效率高，而不是在論證手機讓世界變得近。
修改：More specifically, a student in China, thanks to phone calls, is able to communicate with his friends in other countries, such as Australia and Canada within seconds.
Besides, it takes people a great deal of time to write a letter.
點評：這一段的論述主題是電話電腦的優(yōu)點，建議不要繞著寫”信”的缺點。
修改：Besides, phones may save the public more time compared with traditional letters.
Apparently, nowadays, a considerable proportion of people have to work day in and day out to support themselves and even their their family. Undeniably, fast-paced life put great burden on individuals, 1hence, compared with 2letter, a phone call or a E-mail may be less time-consuming and more suitable for individuals.
雅思考試很痛苦,我們給您力量.感謝您拜讀我們問您準備的《名師點撥雅思習作修改、評分建議及改進策略》一文.
題目：It seems that with the increase in use of mobile phones and computers, fewer people prefer to write letters. Will letters disappear completely?
審題：本文可以看作是agree or disagree 類文章，要求考生能在開頭段表明自己的立場。探討的兩個主題是：信件 VS手機電腦。
這篇習作的學生的寫作框架是3773，觀點是信不會被取代，中間寫兩段，第一段探討手機電腦的兩個好處，第二段探討信的四個好處，最后總結(jié)信的優(yōu)點多，繼續(xù)推行。
為了清楚起見，學生文章都加粗了。
開頭段：
Mobile phones and E-mails are increasingly playing 1pivital roles in our daily life in this day and age. Yet at the same time, whether 2letter will disappear has sparked heated debate. As far as I am concerned, 3it is impossible for letters to be replaced.
點評：首段格式清楚，略微有模板的印記，但是有拼寫錯誤，語法錯誤。會讓考官覺得是6分或以下的水平。
修改：
1 pivotal 其他重要：essential, indispensable, vital
2 Yet at the same time, whether letters will be replaced by phones and emails has sparked heated debate
3 原文impossible太過絕對。Hardly will letters fade out.
中間第一段：
On the one hand, it is arguable that those high-technology products can bring about numerous benefits.
點評：總體句寫的不錯。 Numerous稍顯夸張。
To begin with, Undeniably, a phone call, an E-mail can make people closer and make the world smaller.
點評：
1 兩個名詞短語之間要有連接詞，比如and。
2 整個句子表達很中式，不地道。
修改：Phones and computers could wipe out /erase geographical barriers.
More specifically, they are faster than regular mails.
點評：論證和論點沒有關(guān)系啊，這個論據(jù)是說明效率高，而不是在論證手機讓世界變得近。
修改：More specifically, a student in China, thanks to phone calls, is able to communicate with his friends in other countries, such as Australia and Canada within seconds.
Besides, it takes people a great deal of time to write a letter.
點評：這一段的論述主題是電話電腦的優(yōu)點，建議不要繞著寫”信”的缺點。
修改：Besides, phones may save the public more time compared with traditional letters.
Apparently, nowadays, a considerable proportion of people have to work day in and day out to support themselves and even their their family. Undeniably, fast-paced life put great burden on individuals, 1hence, compared with 2letter, a phone call or a E-mail may be less time-consuming and more suitable for individuals.
雅思考試很痛苦,我們給您力量.感謝您拜讀我們問您準備的《名師點撥雅思習作修改、評分建議及改進策略》一文.