Shanghai born and Shanghai bred， I take great pride in being a Shanghailander. Shanghai， the biggest city in China and also one of the largest cities in the world， has been existing for seven hundred years. Compared with the history of China， it is a rather new city. But since it was set up， it has contributed a lot to China， especially in this century. [Compared with the history of China， the history of Shanghai is still a short one； but its contributions to the country has been enormous （巨大的）， especially in this century.] （1）
During the Northern Expedition （北伐）， in order to fight together with the Northern Expedition Army， the workers in Shanghai rose up in arms three times against the KMT reactionary rules [rule] （2）。 The pavements along Nanjing Road， the Bund （外灘）were once stained with the blood of those heralds [revolutionary pioneers] （3）。
May 1949 saw the liberation of Shanghai. Since then， the great city has taken on a new look. Now factories and enterprises have sprung up like mushrooms （雨后春筍般出現(xiàn)）。 People in Shanghai have been going all out in socialist construction. Their footprints have been left throughout the country： in the hot desert of Xinjiang， in the deep forests of Heilongjiang， on the sheer mountains of Tibet， along the sandy seaside of Hainan.
The famous geologist Pen Jiamu sacrificed （犧牲） himself in Xinjiang while doing scientific research. The well-known welding expert， Zen Le， has been working hard for about thirty years in order to develop the technique of welding. He resisted the temptation （誘惑） of high pay from some foreign companies， and has remained in his motherland to work for the growth of Shanghai and the rising of China.
Among the athletes who have won prizes in international matches [competitions] （4）， quite a few are from Shanghai， such as the famous jumper Zhu Jianhua， the famous swimmers Zhuang Yong and Yang Wenyi.
But nowadays， people in Shanghai are faced with a severe challenge （挑戰(zhàn)） from both inside and outside the country——the national leading position is being shaken. Faced with the challenge， the Municipal Government of Shanghai has decided to make Shanghai more prosperous by developing its Pudong area. Shanghai people are filled with zeal （熱忱） for the great project. In less than ten years， Pudong area will be developed beyond recognition. At that time， as graduates from the university， my classmates and I， together with millions of Shanghai people， will be doing our best in the development of Pudong area， turning Shanghai into the vanguard in China's modernization project [so that Shanghai will remain in the vanguard of the modernization of China] （5）。
上海外語(yǔ)學(xué)院附中 李嘉偉
評(píng) 語(yǔ)
文章從上海的歷史，對(duì)全國(guó)各地的支援，工業(yè)、科技、體育等各界涌現(xiàn)出的先進(jìn)人物以及上海面臨的挑戰(zhàn)等方面入手，用舉例法展開(kāi)全文，層次分明，結(jié)構(gòu)嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)，語(yǔ)言運(yùn)用也較好。曾獲上海建城700周年英文作文競(jìng)賽一等獎(jiǎng)，并被選送美國(guó)馬薩諸塞州進(jìn)行校際作文交流。文章中某些語(yǔ)言上的不足之處點(diǎn)評(píng)修改如下：
（1）原句較散，且把the history of China與it（上海）相比，修辭手段不當(dāng)，故改之。
（2）rule指“統(tǒng)治”時(shí)，為不可數(shù)名詞，作“規(guī)則”等解時(shí)，為可數(shù)名詞。這種單復(fù)數(shù)形式表示不同詞義的名詞，英語(yǔ)中還有很多，寫(xiě)作時(shí)要特別注意。
（3）作者可能想表示“先驅(qū)者”，應(yīng)該用pioneers，加上revolutionary更達(dá)意。
（4）match一般多指集體性質(zhì)的球賽，如football match.這里根據(jù)上下文，顯然是泛指體育比賽，用competition較好。
（5）根據(jù)上下文看，上海應(yīng)該已經(jīng)在“前鋒隊(duì)伍之列”，因此不存在turn into的含義。另外，vanguard也不是指“單個(gè)”，而是“一部分”，一般用于in the vanguard （of） 短語(yǔ)中。
During the Northern Expedition （北伐）， in order to fight together with the Northern Expedition Army， the workers in Shanghai rose up in arms three times against the KMT reactionary rules [rule] （2）。 The pavements along Nanjing Road， the Bund （外灘）were once stained with the blood of those heralds [revolutionary pioneers] （3）。
May 1949 saw the liberation of Shanghai. Since then， the great city has taken on a new look. Now factories and enterprises have sprung up like mushrooms （雨后春筍般出現(xiàn)）。 People in Shanghai have been going all out in socialist construction. Their footprints have been left throughout the country： in the hot desert of Xinjiang， in the deep forests of Heilongjiang， on the sheer mountains of Tibet， along the sandy seaside of Hainan.
The famous geologist Pen Jiamu sacrificed （犧牲） himself in Xinjiang while doing scientific research. The well-known welding expert， Zen Le， has been working hard for about thirty years in order to develop the technique of welding. He resisted the temptation （誘惑） of high pay from some foreign companies， and has remained in his motherland to work for the growth of Shanghai and the rising of China.
Among the athletes who have won prizes in international matches [competitions] （4）， quite a few are from Shanghai， such as the famous jumper Zhu Jianhua， the famous swimmers Zhuang Yong and Yang Wenyi.
But nowadays， people in Shanghai are faced with a severe challenge （挑戰(zhàn)） from both inside and outside the country——the national leading position is being shaken. Faced with the challenge， the Municipal Government of Shanghai has decided to make Shanghai more prosperous by developing its Pudong area. Shanghai people are filled with zeal （熱忱） for the great project. In less than ten years， Pudong area will be developed beyond recognition. At that time， as graduates from the university， my classmates and I， together with millions of Shanghai people， will be doing our best in the development of Pudong area， turning Shanghai into the vanguard in China's modernization project [so that Shanghai will remain in the vanguard of the modernization of China] （5）。
上海外語(yǔ)學(xué)院附中 李嘉偉
評(píng) 語(yǔ)
文章從上海的歷史，對(duì)全國(guó)各地的支援，工業(yè)、科技、體育等各界涌現(xiàn)出的先進(jìn)人物以及上海面臨的挑戰(zhàn)等方面入手，用舉例法展開(kāi)全文，層次分明，結(jié)構(gòu)嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)，語(yǔ)言運(yùn)用也較好。曾獲上海建城700周年英文作文競(jìng)賽一等獎(jiǎng)，并被選送美國(guó)馬薩諸塞州進(jìn)行校際作文交流。文章中某些語(yǔ)言上的不足之處點(diǎn)評(píng)修改如下：
（1）原句較散，且把the history of China與it（上海）相比，修辭手段不當(dāng)，故改之。
（2）rule指“統(tǒng)治”時(shí)，為不可數(shù)名詞，作“規(guī)則”等解時(shí)，為可數(shù)名詞。這種單復(fù)數(shù)形式表示不同詞義的名詞，英語(yǔ)中還有很多，寫(xiě)作時(shí)要特別注意。
（3）作者可能想表示“先驅(qū)者”，應(yīng)該用pioneers，加上revolutionary更達(dá)意。
（4）match一般多指集體性質(zhì)的球賽，如football match.這里根據(jù)上下文，顯然是泛指體育比賽，用competition較好。
（5）根據(jù)上下文看，上海應(yīng)該已經(jīng)在“前鋒隊(duì)伍之列”，因此不存在turn into的含義。另外，vanguard也不是指“單個(gè)”，而是“一部分”，一般用于in the vanguard （of） 短語(yǔ)中。