Not long ago， one of our classmates Yang Yimeng fell ill. As her illness became more and more serious， soon she was in hospital[she was soon sent to hospital] （1）。 Yang's parents were not in Shanghai and couldn't take care of her.So in this case， we knew that she needed more care， more comfort， and more love. We decided to go to the hospital to see her and comfort her in turn.
Though only a few days had passed， Yimeng had changed a lot. Her face was abnormally red and swollen， that[which] （2）made her look very terrible. She couldn't speak and was in a low spirit [in low spirits] （3）。 We all thought we should help her and give her encouragement [encourage her] （4）。So we bought a nice notebook. On the first page， we wrote“Friendship is an ever-lasting song！ We are all your friends for ever！”Moreover， in the notebook each of us wrote our best and sincere wishes. Then we went to see her again with this book and a bunch of flower [flowers] （5）。 We said to her，“You must fight against the illness [fight the illness bravely] （6）。 You will surely be the winner. Now we are giving you our best wishes.” She smiled with tears in her eyes.
Last month when we spent our spring holiday in Jiading， we took many beautiful photos. We showed these pictures to Yang so that she could share our happiness. She smiled and said， “Thank you for giving me all this. I'll not withdraw before illness [give up before the illness] （7）， because you are always with me. ”
Now Yang is better than before [Yang's illness has taken a turn for the better] （8）。 And we have decided to help her with her missed lessons [help her make up the lessons she has missed ]（9） so that she can keep up with us. We hope she will come back to us very soon.
上海市晉元中學(xué)初二學(xué)生 張華淵
評(píng) 語
初二學(xué)生能用英語寫出這樣較為流暢的作文，實(shí)屬不易。文章從“送花”、“送筆記本”和“送照片”這三個(gè)細(xì)節(jié)入手描寫，情真意切。文章中某些語言上的不足之處點(diǎn)評(píng)修改如下：
（1） be in hospital表示“靜態(tài)”，這里根據(jù)上下文，改為be sent to hospital這樣的動(dòng)態(tài)表述較好。
（2）這里的定語從句修飾全句，要用which引導(dǎo)，為非限制性定語從句，不能用 that.又如：He refused to help my sister， which upset me a lot.
（3）在 be in high /low spirits 短語中，spirit習(xí)慣用復(fù)數(shù)。
（4）原句并沒有錯(cuò)，但改后help her與 encourage her對(duì)稱，結(jié)構(gòu)有均衡感。
（5）flower 表示具體的花朵時(shí)，是可數(shù)名詞。
（6）根據(jù) Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English， 表示“與疾病斗爭”時(shí)，fight一般用作及物動(dòng)詞。
（7）、（8）、（9）改后更符合英語表達(dá)習(xí)慣。
Though only a few days had passed， Yimeng had changed a lot. Her face was abnormally red and swollen， that[which] （2）made her look very terrible. She couldn't speak and was in a low spirit [in low spirits] （3）。 We all thought we should help her and give her encouragement [encourage her] （4）。So we bought a nice notebook. On the first page， we wrote“Friendship is an ever-lasting song！ We are all your friends for ever！”Moreover， in the notebook each of us wrote our best and sincere wishes. Then we went to see her again with this book and a bunch of flower [flowers] （5）。 We said to her，“You must fight against the illness [fight the illness bravely] （6）。 You will surely be the winner. Now we are giving you our best wishes.” She smiled with tears in her eyes.
Last month when we spent our spring holiday in Jiading， we took many beautiful photos. We showed these pictures to Yang so that she could share our happiness. She smiled and said， “Thank you for giving me all this. I'll not withdraw before illness [give up before the illness] （7）， because you are always with me. ”
Now Yang is better than before [Yang's illness has taken a turn for the better] （8）。 And we have decided to help her with her missed lessons [help her make up the lessons she has missed ]（9） so that she can keep up with us. We hope she will come back to us very soon.
上海市晉元中學(xué)初二學(xué)生 張華淵
評(píng) 語
初二學(xué)生能用英語寫出這樣較為流暢的作文，實(shí)屬不易。文章從“送花”、“送筆記本”和“送照片”這三個(gè)細(xì)節(jié)入手描寫，情真意切。文章中某些語言上的不足之處點(diǎn)評(píng)修改如下：
（1） be in hospital表示“靜態(tài)”，這里根據(jù)上下文，改為be sent to hospital這樣的動(dòng)態(tài)表述較好。
（2）這里的定語從句修飾全句，要用which引導(dǎo)，為非限制性定語從句，不能用 that.又如：He refused to help my sister， which upset me a lot.
（3）在 be in high /low spirits 短語中，spirit習(xí)慣用復(fù)數(shù)。
（4）原句并沒有錯(cuò)，但改后help her與 encourage her對(duì)稱，結(jié)構(gòu)有均衡感。
（5）flower 表示具體的花朵時(shí)，是可數(shù)名詞。
（6）根據(jù) Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English， 表示“與疾病斗爭”時(shí)，fight一般用作及物動(dòng)詞。
（7）、（8）、（9）改后更符合英語表達(dá)習(xí)慣。