Compromise： An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
—— Anonymous
Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do……but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.
—— Anonymous
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine； he gets better with age. The next day， she locked me in the cellar.
—— Anonymous
Marital Freedom： The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.
—— Anonymous
Mistress： Something between a mister and a mattress.
—— Anonymous
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
—— Jim Backus
Most married couples， even though they love each other very much in theory， tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies， the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.
—— Dave Barry
A sweetheart is a bottle of wine， a wife is a wine bottle.
—— Baudelaire
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do， but I don't know how to make it interesting.
—— Milton Berle， when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
—— David Bissonette
Ah Mozart！ He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
—— Victor Borge
If ever two were one， then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife， then thee.
—— Anne Bradstreet
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.
—— Lenny Bruce
Never tell. Not if you love your wife…… In fact， if your old lady walks in on you， deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it： “I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do……”
—— Lenny Bruce
Husbands are awkward things to deal with； even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.
—— Mary Buckley
Once a boy becomes a man， he's a man all his life， but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.
—— Al Bundy， character on “Married with Children，” U.S. television show
I just want what every married woman wants， someone besides her husband to sleep with.
—— Peg Bundy， character on “Married with Children，” U.S. television show
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut， to step back and see where his wife is wrong.
—— Archie Bunker， character on “All in the Family，” U.S. television show
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have； the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
—— Agatha Christie
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband， Fang. How about “short” and “cheap”？
—— Phyllis Diller
A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.
—— Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is no realizable power that man cannot， in time， fashion the tools to attain， nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five， of course.
—— Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house （and a fire） to put her in.
—— Benjamin Franklin
Choose a wife by your ear than your eye.
—— Thomas Fuller， 1732
Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended.
—— Zsa Zsa Gabor
An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.
—— Sacha Guitry
When a man steals your wife， there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
—— Sacha Guitry
A man should be taller， older， heavier， uglier， and hoarser than his wife.
—— Edgar Watson Howe
Harpo， she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.
—— Oscar Levant， to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee
The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it.
—— Shirley MacLaine
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
—— Groucho Marx
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands…… but English women only hope to find in their butlers.
—— W. Somerset Maugham
Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage， they are giving evidence at an inquest.
—— H. L. Mencken
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
—— Michel de Montaigne
A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
—— Ogden Nash
A White House well filled， a little peanut field well tilled， and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches.
—— Poor Jimmy's Almanac
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
—— Helen Rowland
By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy， and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.
—— Socrates
I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.
—— Adela Rogers St. John
Try praising your wife， even if it does frighten her at first.
—— Billy Sunday
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
—— Lana Turner
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
—— Oscar Wilde
I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
—— Henny Youngman
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.
—— Honore de Balzac
—— Anonymous
Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do……but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.
—— Anonymous
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine； he gets better with age. The next day， she locked me in the cellar.
—— Anonymous
Marital Freedom： The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.
—— Anonymous
Mistress： Something between a mister and a mattress.
—— Anonymous
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
—— Jim Backus
Most married couples， even though they love each other very much in theory， tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies， the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.
—— Dave Barry
A sweetheart is a bottle of wine， a wife is a wine bottle.
—— Baudelaire
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do， but I don't know how to make it interesting.
—— Milton Berle， when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
—— David Bissonette
Ah Mozart！ He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
—— Victor Borge
If ever two were one， then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife， then thee.
—— Anne Bradstreet
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.
—— Lenny Bruce
Never tell. Not if you love your wife…… In fact， if your old lady walks in on you， deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it： “I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do……”
—— Lenny Bruce
Husbands are awkward things to deal with； even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.
—— Mary Buckley
Once a boy becomes a man， he's a man all his life， but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.
—— Al Bundy， character on “Married with Children，” U.S. television show
I just want what every married woman wants， someone besides her husband to sleep with.
—— Peg Bundy， character on “Married with Children，” U.S. television show
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut， to step back and see where his wife is wrong.
—— Archie Bunker， character on “All in the Family，” U.S. television show
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have； the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
—— Agatha Christie
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband， Fang. How about “short” and “cheap”？
—— Phyllis Diller
A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.
—— Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is no realizable power that man cannot， in time， fashion the tools to attain， nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five， of course.
—— Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house （and a fire） to put her in.
—— Benjamin Franklin
Choose a wife by your ear than your eye.
—— Thomas Fuller， 1732
Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended.
—— Zsa Zsa Gabor
An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.
—— Sacha Guitry
When a man steals your wife， there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
—— Sacha Guitry
A man should be taller， older， heavier， uglier， and hoarser than his wife.
—— Edgar Watson Howe
Harpo， she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.
—— Oscar Levant， to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee
The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it.
—— Shirley MacLaine
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
—— Groucho Marx
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands…… but English women only hope to find in their butlers.
—— W. Somerset Maugham
Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage， they are giving evidence at an inquest.
—— H. L. Mencken
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
—— Michel de Montaigne
A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
—— Ogden Nash
A White House well filled， a little peanut field well tilled， and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches.
—— Poor Jimmy's Almanac
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
—— Helen Rowland
By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy， and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.
—— Socrates
I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.
—— Adela Rogers St. John
Try praising your wife， even if it does frighten her at first.
—— Billy Sunday
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
—— Lana Turner
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
—— Oscar Wilde
I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
—— Henny Youngman
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.
—— Honore de Balzac