成功個(gè)人陳述范例點(diǎn)評(píng)
多年的留學(xué)咨詢和申請(qǐng)材料審改工作使我有了這樣的體會(huì)，內(nèi)容比較雷同，但語(yǔ)言不錯(cuò)的個(gè)人陳述也能幫助申請(qǐng)者獲得獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金，但是內(nèi)容比較獨(dú)特、新穎的個(gè)人陳述成功的可能性則要大得多。在以下的篇幅里，我介紹歷年里比較成功的個(gè)人陳述的片斷，并給予簡(jiǎn)單的評(píng)論。
絕大多數(shù)的申請(qǐng)者都會(huì)用主要的篇幅強(qiáng)調(diào)自己多么的勤奮，學(xué)習(xí)多么好。這兩點(diǎn)少?gòu)?qiáng)調(diào)。這些優(yōu)點(diǎn)是中國(guó)學(xué)生的共同特點(diǎn)，國(guó)外的教授已經(jīng)知道。所有的人都寫(xiě)這些內(nèi)容，讀的人會(huì)產(chǎn)生厭倦感。下面這位同學(xué)的個(gè)人陳述突破了這個(gè)框框，她雖然在第一段中像別人一樣講成績(jī)，但是第二段話鋒一轉(zhuǎn)，談到中國(guó)的高考制度。
她說(shuō)其實(shí)許多有才華的人就是因?yàn)楦呖疾怀晒?，沒(méi)有上大學(xué)，就少了很多機(jī)會(huì)。她自己是考試制度下的成功者，但是能夠表示出對(duì)比自己更艱難的同齡人的同情和理解，在眾多的申請(qǐng)者中特別的難能可貴。所有的申請(qǐng)者都是用所有的篇幅講自己多么優(yōu)秀，講自己如何奮斗，幾乎沒(méi)有什么人談到別人的境況或者奮斗。
Having achieved the highest total of scores on the National University Entrance Examinations among all students in my hometown, I won acceptance into Chinese Youth College of Political Science (YCPS for shortly a preeminent institution of higher learning focused on political science and journalism. With that score, I could have opted for the most famous university in China, the Peking University, often dubbed China's Harvard, but my university is the best in its own right.
At this point, may I digress to comment on one important aspect of Chinese young people's life, namely, competition. I myself am a product of keen competition for better grades, which is quite pervasive all over China. It was so in my elementary school; it was so in high school-, it is all the more so in competing for entrance into universities. Only the cream of the cream, namely, 4% of all high school students get to universities. In retrospect, I could see that this system is seriously flawed, for it denied quite many young talents, many of whom I shall later on meet and talk to, opportunities they could not otherwise have had.
是不是非要把自己說(shuō)成是成績(jī)頂尖的學(xué)生才能獲得獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金呢？其實(shí)不一定。下面這位同學(xué)就是一個(gè)很好的例子。他的成績(jī)并不優(yōu)異，他在PS的第一句話就此做了說(shuō)明。他是學(xué)生干部，在校期間為同學(xué)做了大量的服務(wù)，包括建立校園網(wǎng)站，包括代表學(xué)生要求食堂照顧學(xué)生的利益。至于能力，他主要談的是團(tuán)隊(duì)精神和協(xié)作。為了建立一個(gè)出色的校園網(wǎng)站，他必須與其他的志愿者精誠(chéng)合作，發(fā)揮每一個(gè)團(tuán)隊(duì)成員的特長(zhǎng)。在這個(gè)三人團(tuán)隊(duì)中，有人負(fù)責(zé)頁(yè)面設(shè)計(jì)，有人專長(zhǎng)于編程，有人更勝任硬件的維護(hù)和管理。
I was not an outstanding student in the traditional Chinese sense. In a culture where “outstanding student” is narrowly defined as a student who gets good grades, I do not think I had the luck to join that rank, because I did not “ace all of my exams.”
……
A case in point: I helped design and maintain the award-winning university student website, www.nk3m.edu, Moonpacer being my pen name. My teammates, Erric and Tommy made our nicknames known throughout the university community because of our joint efforts. My primary contribution was in the area of page design, graphics and fine arts. I was also the first in putting a 20-item questionnaire online for student input in response to a series of food price adjustments by the School Logistics Department in charge of school cafeterias. Using the data I collected in two days, I was able to present to the school authority findings that were predominately against the price hikes. It was not the findings itself, but rather the fact that I represented 22% of the student population, that forced the Logistics Department to react and to modify its previous decisions.
In working with Erric and Tommy on the website, I learnt how to use my individual creativity wisely. While I always had my independent ideas and problem solving methods, I realized that my teammates had theirs. It did not help if I wanted to impose my preference on them. On the contrary, by being a good listener and by being willing to accommodate, I was better able to sell my own ideas. We each had strengths and weaknesses, but working as a team, we worked wonders. I was often referred to as the “go-to” person for issues related to Photoshop and JAVA; but if I had problems with B and VB and VC++, I would seek counsel from Eric. Tommy, on the other hand, was the unchallenged authority, on hardware. We grew as a team even as our fame grew because of the honorary mentioning of our names in our campus newspaper and newsletters. The beauty of the new technologies is that we can still function as a team as we leave college and go our separate ways.
許多申請(qǐng)者誤以為需要夸大自己的學(xué)術(shù)能力，把自己吹噓得不同反響，才能獲得申請(qǐng)得成功。其實(shí)，我們申請(qǐng)出國(guó)學(xué)習(xí)不過(guò)是去做學(xué)生。如果我們已經(jīng)是大師了，就不需要去學(xué)習(xí)了。所以，讀理工科的學(xué)生用不著做過(guò)劃時(shí)代的實(shí)驗(yàn)，讀文科的同學(xué)用不著具備對(duì)學(xué)術(shù)問(wèn)題的獨(dú)到見(jiàn)解。在一般情況下，你也不可能做到這一點(diǎn)。硬要把自己吹得神乎其神，很容易專家看出來(lái)言過(guò)其實(shí)。
下面這幾段選自一位申請(qǐng)讀建筑工程博士學(xué)位的同學(xué)的PS。他在國(guó)內(nèi)讀的是走讀大學(xué)，畢業(yè)后在建筑工地上當(dāng)了四年監(jiān)工，GRE考試成績(jī)只有1800多分。他于是覺(jué)得自己的實(shí)力很弱，心里沒(méi)有底。但是通過(guò)咨詢，他從別的方面找到了自己的閃光點(diǎn)。他在當(dāng)實(shí)習(xí)生的時(shí)候就參與了我國(guó)地面建筑即北京西客站的施工（雖然他只是承當(dāng)了幾根柱子的設(shè)計(jì)）。后來(lái)工程出現(xiàn)了下沉的問(wèn)題，他仔細(xì)地分析了原因，遞交了很厚的報(bào)告。他沒(méi)有考慮到自己人微言輕，充分展現(xiàn)了主人翁的精神。
在所有的工頭里面，他又是做科學(xué)實(shí)驗(yàn)的。限于環(huán)境和工作性質(zhì)，他的實(shí)驗(yàn)也不是什么高深的項(xiàng)目，而是怎樣攪拌水泥，等等。最后，他的成功憑借的不是的學(xué)位，驚人的GRE成績(jī)或是矚目的科學(xué)實(shí)驗(yàn)，而是一種敬業(yè)精神和進(jìn)取的態(tài)度。
The Western Station project in Beijing consisted of the mail hall (70,000 square meters), southern wing building group (40,000 square meters) and north wing building group (35. 000 square meters). But it was not too long before I discovered that, even in this monumental project, design techniques applied in many cases left much to be desired. When treating the wind load, the earthquake force and the effect of frozen soil historical data and intelligent estimates were used in place of accurate measuring. This phenomenon made me determined to improve my knowledge and skills in a graduate program that can teach sophisticated know-how, such as yours.
It regrettably turned out that the design of the mail hall was seriously flawed, which drew intense media attention nationwide. The structure sank two meters after completion. As experts continue to help the court determine who is responsible, I myself have been awed by this drama and kept researching it ever since it became known. My tentative explanation, submitted to the chief engineer, is that the disaster happened because the team of designers failed to take into account the underground water's power of buoyancy, even though the structure base was put below the waterbed. The structure floated until enough load was mounted. The proper construction method therefore should involved artificial precipitation until the completion of structure.
Upon graduation in 1996, I joined the Beijing Biggest Co., one of the four largest construction companies in China, and immediately took on management duties as an assistant manager at the construction. site. I have supervised steel engineering, concrete engineering and platform engineering for three twenty-three story buildings in the Beijing DD residential area, a total of 60,000 square meters in apartments. In this capacity, I was compelled to learn management skills that had never been taught in the classroom. Although construction management is not what I foresee to be a lifetime pursuit, I executed my duty meticulously and creatively. I became the first construction site manager in the company to conduct experiments comparing box-weir maintenance and the traditional manual watering method. By using box-weir method, weak concrete and cracks in the concrete were eliminated. Through these important, albeit small steps of improvement, I have derived immense satisfaction.
多年的留學(xué)咨詢和申請(qǐng)材料審改工作使我有了這樣的體會(huì)，內(nèi)容比較雷同，但語(yǔ)言不錯(cuò)的個(gè)人陳述也能幫助申請(qǐng)者獲得獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金，但是內(nèi)容比較獨(dú)特、新穎的個(gè)人陳述成功的可能性則要大得多。在以下的篇幅里，我介紹歷年里比較成功的個(gè)人陳述的片斷，并給予簡(jiǎn)單的評(píng)論。
絕大多數(shù)的申請(qǐng)者都會(huì)用主要的篇幅強(qiáng)調(diào)自己多么的勤奮，學(xué)習(xí)多么好。這兩點(diǎn)少?gòu)?qiáng)調(diào)。這些優(yōu)點(diǎn)是中國(guó)學(xué)生的共同特點(diǎn)，國(guó)外的教授已經(jīng)知道。所有的人都寫(xiě)這些內(nèi)容，讀的人會(huì)產(chǎn)生厭倦感。下面這位同學(xué)的個(gè)人陳述突破了這個(gè)框框，她雖然在第一段中像別人一樣講成績(jī)，但是第二段話鋒一轉(zhuǎn)，談到中國(guó)的高考制度。
她說(shuō)其實(shí)許多有才華的人就是因?yàn)楦呖疾怀晒?，沒(méi)有上大學(xué)，就少了很多機(jī)會(huì)。她自己是考試制度下的成功者，但是能夠表示出對(duì)比自己更艱難的同齡人的同情和理解，在眾多的申請(qǐng)者中特別的難能可貴。所有的申請(qǐng)者都是用所有的篇幅講自己多么優(yōu)秀，講自己如何奮斗，幾乎沒(méi)有什么人談到別人的境況或者奮斗。
Having achieved the highest total of scores on the National University Entrance Examinations among all students in my hometown, I won acceptance into Chinese Youth College of Political Science (YCPS for shortly a preeminent institution of higher learning focused on political science and journalism. With that score, I could have opted for the most famous university in China, the Peking University, often dubbed China's Harvard, but my university is the best in its own right.
At this point, may I digress to comment on one important aspect of Chinese young people's life, namely, competition. I myself am a product of keen competition for better grades, which is quite pervasive all over China. It was so in my elementary school; it was so in high school-, it is all the more so in competing for entrance into universities. Only the cream of the cream, namely, 4% of all high school students get to universities. In retrospect, I could see that this system is seriously flawed, for it denied quite many young talents, many of whom I shall later on meet and talk to, opportunities they could not otherwise have had.
是不是非要把自己說(shuō)成是成績(jī)頂尖的學(xué)生才能獲得獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金呢？其實(shí)不一定。下面這位同學(xué)就是一個(gè)很好的例子。他的成績(jī)并不優(yōu)異，他在PS的第一句話就此做了說(shuō)明。他是學(xué)生干部，在校期間為同學(xué)做了大量的服務(wù)，包括建立校園網(wǎng)站，包括代表學(xué)生要求食堂照顧學(xué)生的利益。至于能力，他主要談的是團(tuán)隊(duì)精神和協(xié)作。為了建立一個(gè)出色的校園網(wǎng)站，他必須與其他的志愿者精誠(chéng)合作，發(fā)揮每一個(gè)團(tuán)隊(duì)成員的特長(zhǎng)。在這個(gè)三人團(tuán)隊(duì)中，有人負(fù)責(zé)頁(yè)面設(shè)計(jì)，有人專長(zhǎng)于編程，有人更勝任硬件的維護(hù)和管理。
I was not an outstanding student in the traditional Chinese sense. In a culture where “outstanding student” is narrowly defined as a student who gets good grades, I do not think I had the luck to join that rank, because I did not “ace all of my exams.”
……
A case in point: I helped design and maintain the award-winning university student website, www.nk3m.edu, Moonpacer being my pen name. My teammates, Erric and Tommy made our nicknames known throughout the university community because of our joint efforts. My primary contribution was in the area of page design, graphics and fine arts. I was also the first in putting a 20-item questionnaire online for student input in response to a series of food price adjustments by the School Logistics Department in charge of school cafeterias. Using the data I collected in two days, I was able to present to the school authority findings that were predominately against the price hikes. It was not the findings itself, but rather the fact that I represented 22% of the student population, that forced the Logistics Department to react and to modify its previous decisions.
In working with Erric and Tommy on the website, I learnt how to use my individual creativity wisely. While I always had my independent ideas and problem solving methods, I realized that my teammates had theirs. It did not help if I wanted to impose my preference on them. On the contrary, by being a good listener and by being willing to accommodate, I was better able to sell my own ideas. We each had strengths and weaknesses, but working as a team, we worked wonders. I was often referred to as the “go-to” person for issues related to Photoshop and JAVA; but if I had problems with B and VB and VC++, I would seek counsel from Eric. Tommy, on the other hand, was the unchallenged authority, on hardware. We grew as a team even as our fame grew because of the honorary mentioning of our names in our campus newspaper and newsletters. The beauty of the new technologies is that we can still function as a team as we leave college and go our separate ways.
許多申請(qǐng)者誤以為需要夸大自己的學(xué)術(shù)能力，把自己吹噓得不同反響，才能獲得申請(qǐng)得成功。其實(shí)，我們申請(qǐng)出國(guó)學(xué)習(xí)不過(guò)是去做學(xué)生。如果我們已經(jīng)是大師了，就不需要去學(xué)習(xí)了。所以，讀理工科的學(xué)生用不著做過(guò)劃時(shí)代的實(shí)驗(yàn)，讀文科的同學(xué)用不著具備對(duì)學(xué)術(shù)問(wèn)題的獨(dú)到見(jiàn)解。在一般情況下，你也不可能做到這一點(diǎn)。硬要把自己吹得神乎其神，很容易專家看出來(lái)言過(guò)其實(shí)。
下面這幾段選自一位申請(qǐng)讀建筑工程博士學(xué)位的同學(xué)的PS。他在國(guó)內(nèi)讀的是走讀大學(xué)，畢業(yè)后在建筑工地上當(dāng)了四年監(jiān)工，GRE考試成績(jī)只有1800多分。他于是覺(jué)得自己的實(shí)力很弱，心里沒(méi)有底。但是通過(guò)咨詢，他從別的方面找到了自己的閃光點(diǎn)。他在當(dāng)實(shí)習(xí)生的時(shí)候就參與了我國(guó)地面建筑即北京西客站的施工（雖然他只是承當(dāng)了幾根柱子的設(shè)計(jì)）。后來(lái)工程出現(xiàn)了下沉的問(wèn)題，他仔細(xì)地分析了原因，遞交了很厚的報(bào)告。他沒(méi)有考慮到自己人微言輕，充分展現(xiàn)了主人翁的精神。
在所有的工頭里面，他又是做科學(xué)實(shí)驗(yàn)的。限于環(huán)境和工作性質(zhì)，他的實(shí)驗(yàn)也不是什么高深的項(xiàng)目，而是怎樣攪拌水泥，等等。最后，他的成功憑借的不是的學(xué)位，驚人的GRE成績(jī)或是矚目的科學(xué)實(shí)驗(yàn)，而是一種敬業(yè)精神和進(jìn)取的態(tài)度。
The Western Station project in Beijing consisted of the mail hall (70,000 square meters), southern wing building group (40,000 square meters) and north wing building group (35. 000 square meters). But it was not too long before I discovered that, even in this monumental project, design techniques applied in many cases left much to be desired. When treating the wind load, the earthquake force and the effect of frozen soil historical data and intelligent estimates were used in place of accurate measuring. This phenomenon made me determined to improve my knowledge and skills in a graduate program that can teach sophisticated know-how, such as yours.
It regrettably turned out that the design of the mail hall was seriously flawed, which drew intense media attention nationwide. The structure sank two meters after completion. As experts continue to help the court determine who is responsible, I myself have been awed by this drama and kept researching it ever since it became known. My tentative explanation, submitted to the chief engineer, is that the disaster happened because the team of designers failed to take into account the underground water's power of buoyancy, even though the structure base was put below the waterbed. The structure floated until enough load was mounted. The proper construction method therefore should involved artificial precipitation until the completion of structure.
Upon graduation in 1996, I joined the Beijing Biggest Co., one of the four largest construction companies in China, and immediately took on management duties as an assistant manager at the construction. site. I have supervised steel engineering, concrete engineering and platform engineering for three twenty-three story buildings in the Beijing DD residential area, a total of 60,000 square meters in apartments. In this capacity, I was compelled to learn management skills that had never been taught in the classroom. Although construction management is not what I foresee to be a lifetime pursuit, I executed my duty meticulously and creatively. I became the first construction site manager in the company to conduct experiments comparing box-weir maintenance and the traditional manual watering method. By using box-weir method, weak concrete and cracks in the concrete were eliminated. Through these important, albeit small steps of improvement, I have derived immense satisfaction.