F OR THE next few days, the woman was working the early shift. She came home at noon, and I cut my last class every day so as to be waiting for her on the landing outside her apartment. We showered and made love, and just before half past one I scrambled into my clothes and ran out the door. Lunch was at one-thirty. On Sundays lunch was at noon, but her early shift also started and ended later.
I would have preferred to skip the shower. She was scrupulously clean, she showered every morning, and I liked the smell of perfume, fresh perspiration, and streetcar that she brought with her from work. But I also liked her wet, soapy body; I liked to let her soap me and I liked to soap her, and she taught me not to do it bashfully, but with assurance and possessive thoroughness. When we made love, too, she took possession of me as a matter of course. Her mouth took mine, her tongue played with my tongue, she told me where to touch her and how, and when she rode me until she came, I was there only because she took pleasure in me and on me. I don’t mean to say that she lacked tenderness and didn’t give me pleasure. But she did it for her own playful enjoyment, until I learned to take possession of her too.
That came later. I never completely mastered it. And for a long time I didn’t miss it. I was young, and I came quickly, and when I slowly came back alive again afterwards, I liked to have her take possession of me. I would look at her when she was on top of me, her stomach which made a deep crease above her navel, her breasts, the right one the tiniest bit larger than the left, her face and open mouth. She would lean both hands against my chest and throw them up at the last moment, as she gave a toneless sobbing cry that frightened me the first time, and that later I eagerly awaited.
Afterwards we were exhausted. She often fell asleep on top of me. I would listen to the saws in the yard and the loud cries of the workers who operated them and had to shout to make themselves heard. When the saws fell silent, the sound of the traffic echoed faintly in the kitchen. When I heard children calling and playing, I knew that school was out and that it was past one o’clock. The neighbor who came home at lunchtime scattered birdseed on his balcony, and the doves came and cooed.
“What’s your name?” I asked her on the sixth or seventh day. She had fallen asleep on me and was just waking up. Until then I avoided saying anything to her that required me to choose either the formal or the familiar form of address.
She stared. “What?”
“What’s your name?”
“Why do you want to know?” She looked at me suspiciously.
“You and I . . . I know your last name, but not your first. I want to know your first name. What’s the matter with . . .”
She laughed. “Nothing, kid, there’s nothing wrong with that. My name is Hanna.” She kept on laughing, didn’t stop, and it was contagious.
“You looked at me so oddly.”
“I was still half asleep. What’s yours?”
I thought she knew. At that time it was the in thing not to carry your schoolbooks in a bag but under your arm, and when I put them on her kitchen table, my name was on the front. But she hadn’t paid any attention to them.
“My name is Michael Berg.”
“Michael, Michael, Michael.” She tried out the name. “My kid’s called Michael, he’s in college.”
“In high school.”
“In high school, he’s what, seventeen?”
I was proud at the two extra years she’d given me, and nodded.
“He’s seventeen and when he grows up he wants to be a famous . . .” She hesitated.
“I don’t know what I want to be.”
“But you study hard.”
“Sort of.” I told her she was more important to me than school and my studies. And I wished I were with her more often. “I’ll have to repeat a class in any case.”
“What class?” It was the first real conversation we’d had with each other.
“Tenth grade. I’ve missed too much in the last months while I was ill. If I still wanted to move up next year I’d have to work like an idiot. I’d also have to be in school right now.” I told her I was cutting classes.
“Out.” She threw back the coverlet. “Get out of my bed. And if you don’t want to do your work, don’t come back. Your work is idiotic? Idiotic? What do you think selling and punching tickets is?” She got out of bed, stood naked in the kitchen being a conductor. With her left hand she opened the little holder with the blocks of tickets, using her left thumb, covered with a rubber thimble, to pull off two tickets, flipped her right hand to get hold of the punch that hung from her wrist, and made two holes. “Two to Rohrbach.” She dropped the punch, reached out her hand for a bill, opened the purse at her waist, put the money in, snapped it shut again, and squeezed the change out of the coin holder that was attached to it. “Who still doesn’t have a ticket?” She looked at me. “Idiotic—you don’t know what idiotic is.”
I sat on the edge of the bed. I was stunned. “I’m sorry. I’ll do my work. I don’t know if I’ll make it, school only has another six weeks to go. I’ll try. But I won’t get through it if I can’t see you anymore.” I . . .” At first I wanted to say, I love you. But then I didn’t. Maybe she was right, of course she was right. But she had no right to demand that I do more at school, and make that the condition for our seeing each other again. “I can’t not see you.”
The clock in the hall struck one-thirty. “You have to go.” She hesitated. “From tomorrow on I’m working the main shift. I’ll be home at five-thirty and you can come. Provided you work first.”
We stood facing each other naked, but she couldn’t have seemed more dismissive if she’d had on her uniform. I didn’t understand what was going on. Was she thinking of me? Or of herself? If my schoolwork is idiotic, that makes her work even more so—that’s what upset her? But I hadn’t ever said that my work or hers was idiotic. Or was it that she didn’t want a failure for a lover? But was I her lover? What was I to her? I dressed, dawdling, and hoped she would say something. But she said nothing. Then I had all my clothes on and she was still standing there naked, and as I kissed her goodbye, she didn’t respond.
在隨后的幾天里，那個女人上早班，十二點(diǎn)鐘回家。我一天接一天地逃掉后一節(jié)課，為的是坐在她房門前的樓梯臺階上等她。我們淋浴，我們做愛，快到一點(diǎn)半的時候，我匆匆地穿上衣服，快速離開。我們家一點(diǎn)半吃午飯。周日十二點(diǎn)就吃午飯，而她的早班上得晚，結(jié)束得也晚。
我寧愿放棄淋浴，可她干凈得過分，早晨起來就淋浴。我喜歡聞她身上的香水味、新鮮的汗味，還有她從工作中帶回來的有軌電車味。我也喜歡她濕淋淋的、打了香皂的身子，也樂意讓她給我身上打香皂，也樂意給她打香皂。她教我不要難為情，而要理所當(dāng)然地、徹底地去占有她。當(dāng)我們做愛時，她也理所當(dāng)然地采取占有我的做法，因?yàn)樗诤臀易鰫郏趶奈疑砩汐@得情欲的滿足。我不是說她不溫柔，也不是說我沒有得到樂趣。但在我學(xué)會去占有她之前，她只是顧及她的感受和樂趣。
學(xué)會占有她，那是以后的事——但我從未做到完全學(xué)會，因?yàn)槲液芫枚加X得沒有這種必要。我年輕，很快就能達(dá)到高潮。當(dāng)我的體力慢慢恢復(fù)后，我又接著和她做愛。她把兩手支撐在我的胸上，在后一刻使勁抓我，抬起頭猛地發(fā)出一種輕輕的抽咽般的喊叫聲。第，我被她的這種叫聲嚇壞了，后來我開始渴望地期盼聽到她的這種聲音。
之后，我們都精疲力盡了。她經(jīng)常躺在我懷里就睡著了，我聽著院子里的鋸木聲和淹沒在鋸木聲中的工人們的大喊大叫聲。當(dāng)聽不到鋸木聲的時候，火車站街上微弱的交通嘈雜聲就傳入了廚房。當(dāng)我聽見孩子們的喊叫聲、玩耍聲時，我就知道學(xué)校已放學(xué)，已過一點(diǎn)鐘了。中午回家的鄰居在陽臺上給鳥兒撒上鳥食，鴿子飛來，咕咕地叫著。
"你叫什么名字？"在第六天或第七天的時候，我問她。她在我懷里剛剛睡醒。這之前我一直避免用"你"和"您"來稱呼她。
她一下子跳起來說："什么？"
"你叫什么名字？"
"你為什么想知道？"她滿臉不信任地看著我說。
"你和我……我知道你姓什么，但不知道你叫什么。我想知道你的名字，這有什么……"
她笑了："沒什么，小家伙，這沒什么不對的。我叫漢娜。"她接著笑，止不住地笑，把我都感染了。
"你剛才看我時的表情很奇怪。"
"我還沒睡醒呢。你叫什么名字？"
我以為她知道我的名字。當(dāng)時時興的是把上學(xué)用的東西不放在書包里，而是夾在腋下。當(dāng)我把它們放在廚房桌子上時，我的名字都是朝上的，在作業(yè)本上和用很結(jié)實(shí)的紙包的書皮的課本上都貼上了小標(biāo)簽，上面寫著課本的名稱和我的名字，但是，她卻從未注意這些。
"我叫米夏爾·白格。"
"米夏爾，米夏爾，米夏爾。"她試著叫著這個名字。
"我的小家伙叫米夏爾，是個大學(xué)生……"
"中學(xué)生。"
"……是個中學(xué)生，有……多大，十七歲？"
我點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，她把我說大兩歲，我感到很自豪。
"……十七歲了，當(dāng)他長大的時候，想當(dāng)一個的……"她猶豫著。
"我不知道我要當(dāng)什么。"
"但你學(xué)習(xí)很用功。"
"就那么回事吧。"我對她說，她對我來說比學(xué)習(xí)和上學(xué)還重要，我更愿意經(jīng)常地到她那兒去。"反正我得留級。"
"你在哪兒留級？"她坐了起來，這是我們之間第真正地交談。
"高一。在過去的幾個月里，由于生病我落下的課程太多了。如果我要跟班上的話，就必須用功學(xué)。這真無聊。就是現(xiàn)在也應(yīng)該呆在學(xué)校里。"我告訴了她我逃學(xué)的事兒。
"滾！"她掀開鴨絨被子，"從我的床上滾出去2如果你的功課做不好的話，就再也別來了。學(xué)習(xí)無聊？無聊？你以為賣票、驗(yàn)票是什么有趣的事嗎？"她站起來，一絲不掛地在廚房里表演起售票員來。她用左手把裝票本的小夾子打開，用戴著膠皮套的大拇指撕下兩張票，右手一搖就把掛在右手腕上來回?fù)u擺著的剪票鉗子抓在了手里，喀喀兩下說："兩張若壩河。"她放下剪票鉗子，伸出手來，拿了一張紙票，打開放在肚子前的錢夾把錢放了進(jìn)去，再關(guān)上錢夾，從錢夾外層放硬幣的地方擠出了零錢。"誰還沒有票？"她看著我說："無聊，你知道什么是無聊。"
我坐在床沿上，呆若水雞。"很抱歉，我會跟班上課的，我不知道我能不能跟上，還有六周這個學(xué)期就要結(jié)束了。我要試試?？墒?，如果你不允許我再見到你的話，我就做不到。我……"起初我想說"我愛你"，但是又不想說了。也許她說的有道理，有一定的道理。但是，她沒有權(quán)利要求我去做更多的功課，也沒有權(quán)利把我做功課的情況作為我們能否相見的條件。"我不能不見你。"
過廊里的掛鐘敲響了一點(diǎn)半的鐘聲。"你必須走了，"她猶豫著，"從明天起我上白班，五點(diǎn)鐘就上班，下了班我就回家，你也可以來，如果在這之前你把功課做好的話。"
我們一絲不掛地、面對面地站在那兒。她對我來說是不可抗拒的，如果她穿著工作制服，其不可抗拒性也不過如此。我弄不明白所發(fā)生的事情。這到底是關(guān)系到我，還是關(guān)系到她？如果說我的功課無聊話，那么她的工作才是真正的無聊，這樣說是對她的一種傷害嗎？不過，我并沒說誰做的事情無聊。或許她不想讓一個功課不好的人做她的情人？可是我是她的情人嗎？我對她來說算什么呢？我磨磨蹭蹭地在穿衣服，希望她能說點(diǎn)什么，可她什么都沒說。我穿好了衣服，她仍就一絲不掛地站在那兒。當(dāng)我和她擁抱告別時，她一點(diǎn)反應(yīng)都沒有。
I would have preferred to skip the shower. She was scrupulously clean, she showered every morning, and I liked the smell of perfume, fresh perspiration, and streetcar that she brought with her from work. But I also liked her wet, soapy body; I liked to let her soap me and I liked to soap her, and she taught me not to do it bashfully, but with assurance and possessive thoroughness. When we made love, too, she took possession of me as a matter of course. Her mouth took mine, her tongue played with my tongue, she told me where to touch her and how, and when she rode me until she came, I was there only because she took pleasure in me and on me. I don’t mean to say that she lacked tenderness and didn’t give me pleasure. But she did it for her own playful enjoyment, until I learned to take possession of her too.
That came later. I never completely mastered it. And for a long time I didn’t miss it. I was young, and I came quickly, and when I slowly came back alive again afterwards, I liked to have her take possession of me. I would look at her when she was on top of me, her stomach which made a deep crease above her navel, her breasts, the right one the tiniest bit larger than the left, her face and open mouth. She would lean both hands against my chest and throw them up at the last moment, as she gave a toneless sobbing cry that frightened me the first time, and that later I eagerly awaited.
Afterwards we were exhausted. She often fell asleep on top of me. I would listen to the saws in the yard and the loud cries of the workers who operated them and had to shout to make themselves heard. When the saws fell silent, the sound of the traffic echoed faintly in the kitchen. When I heard children calling and playing, I knew that school was out and that it was past one o’clock. The neighbor who came home at lunchtime scattered birdseed on his balcony, and the doves came and cooed.
“What’s your name?” I asked her on the sixth or seventh day. She had fallen asleep on me and was just waking up. Until then I avoided saying anything to her that required me to choose either the formal or the familiar form of address.
She stared. “What?”
“What’s your name?”
“Why do you want to know?” She looked at me suspiciously.
“You and I . . . I know your last name, but not your first. I want to know your first name. What’s the matter with . . .”
She laughed. “Nothing, kid, there’s nothing wrong with that. My name is Hanna.” She kept on laughing, didn’t stop, and it was contagious.
“You looked at me so oddly.”
“I was still half asleep. What’s yours?”
I thought she knew. At that time it was the in thing not to carry your schoolbooks in a bag but under your arm, and when I put them on her kitchen table, my name was on the front. But she hadn’t paid any attention to them.
“My name is Michael Berg.”
“Michael, Michael, Michael.” She tried out the name. “My kid’s called Michael, he’s in college.”
“In high school.”
“In high school, he’s what, seventeen?”
I was proud at the two extra years she’d given me, and nodded.
“He’s seventeen and when he grows up he wants to be a famous . . .” She hesitated.
“I don’t know what I want to be.”
“But you study hard.”
“Sort of.” I told her she was more important to me than school and my studies. And I wished I were with her more often. “I’ll have to repeat a class in any case.”
“What class?” It was the first real conversation we’d had with each other.
“Tenth grade. I’ve missed too much in the last months while I was ill. If I still wanted to move up next year I’d have to work like an idiot. I’d also have to be in school right now.” I told her I was cutting classes.
“Out.” She threw back the coverlet. “Get out of my bed. And if you don’t want to do your work, don’t come back. Your work is idiotic? Idiotic? What do you think selling and punching tickets is?” She got out of bed, stood naked in the kitchen being a conductor. With her left hand she opened the little holder with the blocks of tickets, using her left thumb, covered with a rubber thimble, to pull off two tickets, flipped her right hand to get hold of the punch that hung from her wrist, and made two holes. “Two to Rohrbach.” She dropped the punch, reached out her hand for a bill, opened the purse at her waist, put the money in, snapped it shut again, and squeezed the change out of the coin holder that was attached to it. “Who still doesn’t have a ticket?” She looked at me. “Idiotic—you don’t know what idiotic is.”
I sat on the edge of the bed. I was stunned. “I’m sorry. I’ll do my work. I don’t know if I’ll make it, school only has another six weeks to go. I’ll try. But I won’t get through it if I can’t see you anymore.” I . . .” At first I wanted to say, I love you. But then I didn’t. Maybe she was right, of course she was right. But she had no right to demand that I do more at school, and make that the condition for our seeing each other again. “I can’t not see you.”
The clock in the hall struck one-thirty. “You have to go.” She hesitated. “From tomorrow on I’m working the main shift. I’ll be home at five-thirty and you can come. Provided you work first.”
We stood facing each other naked, but she couldn’t have seemed more dismissive if she’d had on her uniform. I didn’t understand what was going on. Was she thinking of me? Or of herself? If my schoolwork is idiotic, that makes her work even more so—that’s what upset her? But I hadn’t ever said that my work or hers was idiotic. Or was it that she didn’t want a failure for a lover? But was I her lover? What was I to her? I dressed, dawdling, and hoped she would say something. But she said nothing. Then I had all my clothes on and she was still standing there naked, and as I kissed her goodbye, she didn’t respond.
在隨后的幾天里，那個女人上早班，十二點(diǎn)鐘回家。我一天接一天地逃掉后一節(jié)課，為的是坐在她房門前的樓梯臺階上等她。我們淋浴，我們做愛，快到一點(diǎn)半的時候，我匆匆地穿上衣服，快速離開。我們家一點(diǎn)半吃午飯。周日十二點(diǎn)就吃午飯，而她的早班上得晚，結(jié)束得也晚。
我寧愿放棄淋浴，可她干凈得過分，早晨起來就淋浴。我喜歡聞她身上的香水味、新鮮的汗味，還有她從工作中帶回來的有軌電車味。我也喜歡她濕淋淋的、打了香皂的身子，也樂意讓她給我身上打香皂，也樂意給她打香皂。她教我不要難為情，而要理所當(dāng)然地、徹底地去占有她。當(dāng)我們做愛時，她也理所當(dāng)然地采取占有我的做法，因?yàn)樗诤臀易鰫郏趶奈疑砩汐@得情欲的滿足。我不是說她不溫柔，也不是說我沒有得到樂趣。但在我學(xué)會去占有她之前，她只是顧及她的感受和樂趣。
學(xué)會占有她，那是以后的事——但我從未做到完全學(xué)會，因?yàn)槲液芫枚加X得沒有這種必要。我年輕，很快就能達(dá)到高潮。當(dāng)我的體力慢慢恢復(fù)后，我又接著和她做愛。她把兩手支撐在我的胸上，在后一刻使勁抓我，抬起頭猛地發(fā)出一種輕輕的抽咽般的喊叫聲。第，我被她的這種叫聲嚇壞了，后來我開始渴望地期盼聽到她的這種聲音。
之后，我們都精疲力盡了。她經(jīng)常躺在我懷里就睡著了，我聽著院子里的鋸木聲和淹沒在鋸木聲中的工人們的大喊大叫聲。當(dāng)聽不到鋸木聲的時候，火車站街上微弱的交通嘈雜聲就傳入了廚房。當(dāng)我聽見孩子們的喊叫聲、玩耍聲時，我就知道學(xué)校已放學(xué)，已過一點(diǎn)鐘了。中午回家的鄰居在陽臺上給鳥兒撒上鳥食，鴿子飛來，咕咕地叫著。
"你叫什么名字？"在第六天或第七天的時候，我問她。她在我懷里剛剛睡醒。這之前我一直避免用"你"和"您"來稱呼她。
她一下子跳起來說："什么？"
"你叫什么名字？"
"你為什么想知道？"她滿臉不信任地看著我說。
"你和我……我知道你姓什么，但不知道你叫什么。我想知道你的名字，這有什么……"
她笑了："沒什么，小家伙，這沒什么不對的。我叫漢娜。"她接著笑，止不住地笑，把我都感染了。
"你剛才看我時的表情很奇怪。"
"我還沒睡醒呢。你叫什么名字？"
我以為她知道我的名字。當(dāng)時時興的是把上學(xué)用的東西不放在書包里，而是夾在腋下。當(dāng)我把它們放在廚房桌子上時，我的名字都是朝上的，在作業(yè)本上和用很結(jié)實(shí)的紙包的書皮的課本上都貼上了小標(biāo)簽，上面寫著課本的名稱和我的名字，但是，她卻從未注意這些。
"我叫米夏爾·白格。"
"米夏爾，米夏爾，米夏爾。"她試著叫著這個名字。
"我的小家伙叫米夏爾，是個大學(xué)生……"
"中學(xué)生。"
"……是個中學(xué)生，有……多大，十七歲？"
我點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，她把我說大兩歲，我感到很自豪。
"……十七歲了，當(dāng)他長大的時候，想當(dāng)一個的……"她猶豫著。
"我不知道我要當(dāng)什么。"
"但你學(xué)習(xí)很用功。"
"就那么回事吧。"我對她說，她對我來說比學(xué)習(xí)和上學(xué)還重要，我更愿意經(jīng)常地到她那兒去。"反正我得留級。"
"你在哪兒留級？"她坐了起來，這是我們之間第真正地交談。
"高一。在過去的幾個月里，由于生病我落下的課程太多了。如果我要跟班上的話，就必須用功學(xué)。這真無聊。就是現(xiàn)在也應(yīng)該呆在學(xué)校里。"我告訴了她我逃學(xué)的事兒。
"滾！"她掀開鴨絨被子，"從我的床上滾出去2如果你的功課做不好的話，就再也別來了。學(xué)習(xí)無聊？無聊？你以為賣票、驗(yàn)票是什么有趣的事嗎？"她站起來，一絲不掛地在廚房里表演起售票員來。她用左手把裝票本的小夾子打開，用戴著膠皮套的大拇指撕下兩張票，右手一搖就把掛在右手腕上來回?fù)u擺著的剪票鉗子抓在了手里，喀喀兩下說："兩張若壩河。"她放下剪票鉗子，伸出手來，拿了一張紙票，打開放在肚子前的錢夾把錢放了進(jìn)去，再關(guān)上錢夾，從錢夾外層放硬幣的地方擠出了零錢。"誰還沒有票？"她看著我說："無聊，你知道什么是無聊。"
我坐在床沿上，呆若水雞。"很抱歉，我會跟班上課的，我不知道我能不能跟上，還有六周這個學(xué)期就要結(jié)束了。我要試試?？墒?，如果你不允許我再見到你的話，我就做不到。我……"起初我想說"我愛你"，但是又不想說了。也許她說的有道理，有一定的道理。但是，她沒有權(quán)利要求我去做更多的功課，也沒有權(quán)利把我做功課的情況作為我們能否相見的條件。"我不能不見你。"
過廊里的掛鐘敲響了一點(diǎn)半的鐘聲。"你必須走了，"她猶豫著，"從明天起我上白班，五點(diǎn)鐘就上班，下了班我就回家，你也可以來，如果在這之前你把功課做好的話。"
我們一絲不掛地、面對面地站在那兒。她對我來說是不可抗拒的，如果她穿著工作制服，其不可抗拒性也不過如此。我弄不明白所發(fā)生的事情。這到底是關(guān)系到我，還是關(guān)系到她？如果說我的功課無聊話，那么她的工作才是真正的無聊，這樣說是對她的一種傷害嗎？不過，我并沒說誰做的事情無聊。或許她不想讓一個功課不好的人做她的情人？可是我是她的情人嗎？我對她來說算什么呢？我磨磨蹭蹭地在穿衣服，希望她能說點(diǎn)什么，可她什么都沒說。我穿好了衣服，她仍就一絲不掛地站在那兒。當(dāng)我和她擁抱告別時，她一點(diǎn)反應(yīng)都沒有。